Tuesday, September 11, 2007

life is just hard sometimes

Okay, so when I chose my quote for the beginning of this blog, "True authority is born in a heart of submission," I thought it was just a powerful quote that I read in an amazing book by George MacDonald, on of my favorite authors. But, this past weekend has tested my belief and my submission to God.

I have been accused of a horrible thing. It's not important to state what it is or who's invloved, but the very essence od my character and who I am has been questioned and in the process my parents have been accused as well.

I've never experienced pursuing forgiveness in my heart in a situation as difficult as this one. It's so hard to forgive and to not be angry and not seek vengence and to continue to be honorable. One thing I can rejoice in is that the accusation is completely unfounded. I can evaluate my life and look at my decisions and know that I am not guilty, but knowing that the accusers will never see that is heart breaking. Knowing that they will never directly approach me with their concerns is also heart breaking. Even if I do defend myself, opinions will not be changed, because they aren't rational decisions about me anyways. How can you make a decision about a person and their character when you don't even take the time to have a single conversation with them in their entire lifetime? It hurts.

Every time that little bubble of anger comes up from my gut, I think Love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrong, it perserveres, it isn't rude, nor does it seek vengence. Every minute of my life at this point is an active decision to follow God and submit my life to him. That is true authority. Giving complete authority to God in your life is truly submitting to Him. It's hard to know what this is like until you truly have to give something to him. It's a powerful feeling knowing that I am talking to God and deciding to follow him each minute of each day.

I wish that I had reached this level of committment to God before this situation and it would be so much easier. I want to encourage you to make active decisions each day to follow God. You don't have to change everything at once, but when you see something in your life that isn't right, you can make the choice to ignore it and go on or you can decide to give it to God and grow in him, because there's one more aspect of your relationship that you've given to Him.

Forgiveness is so hard. Love is hard. It's easy to love people who treat you right, but what of those who treat us badly?? It's easy to ignore them. To write them off as someone who doesn't matter. It's hard to follow God's example and continually forgive them and ask God to forgive them. I was reading somewhere in the Bible and it talked about how Jesus is constantly praying and asking God to forgive us and accept us. I always thought of the forgiveness as immediate, and that it was something we earned by accepting Jesus into our hearts, but really God is faithful to forgive us, but it's because Jesus is constantly interceding for us. I makes me feel about an inch tall.

I wish it were easier. Pray for my family, we really need it now.